Tonight I took Gracie outside to see the "super moon" - the very large full moon we are seeing right now. While we looked at it and talked about how big and bright it was I looked at her sweet face and couldn't help but remember how last year I looked at the moon one night feeling comforted that she and I could at least see the same moon an ocean apart. Tonight, we looked at it TOGETHER and it hit me all over again as it does most every day what a true miracle she is and what a miracle it is that she is HERE with us every day. It is still hard to wrap my brain around the fact that she really is here, really is ours and what a totally beautiful little miracle she is!! She is such a wonderful gift from God!!
We went to the doctor today for a checkup and shots :( It was a good and bad experience. Bless her sweet little heart, she was excited about going because I kept telling her she'd get a sucker and a sticker and all was fine until those mean ol' shots came. She ran around the exam room like a little wild thing, laughing and giggling and had the doctor in stitches. He looked at me at one point and said, "And, we were afraid she might have trouble walking??!! Look at her!" We just laughed together....yep she's a miracle. She is doing well in her development, she's grown an inch in 3 months which is really good he said because most kids grow 2-3 inches a year at her age so I think she might be trying to catch up!!! (she's a whopping 33 1/2" tall now and 28 1/2 pounds) She's gained 5 1/2 pounds since we got her and her weight is right on target now. Full of energy and smart as a whip! She knows her shapes, colors, can count to 11 or 12 and is learning her letters now. Loves "school" more every day and her wonderful teachers. Every time anything happens to her she not only says she has to tell Baba but also she has to tell Missy, Angie and Lisa. :)
Tomorrow we are going to get her pictures done and I'm excited and nervous all at once since she just had her shots I hope she will FEEL like doing it and I'm just nervous because I'm a newby when it comes to this even though I'm old...ha! But I know Debbie will do a great job and let's face it....Gracie just can't hardly make a bad picture! lol! :)
Happy Summer everyone!!! Hoping to have the pool open soon!!
Welcome to the Journey to our Heart...our Dreams of Grace...God's grace that He will see us through this crazy, wonderful journey and our own Grace - a precious little Chinese girl who waits for her own forever family...OUR family! God made us for her and her for us; you've been here to watch and help us bring her home...now stay tuned for the REAL journey...Living with Grace.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
We're still here!!
Long time, no post, uh?? Well...........you know how it is. Life just sort of takes over sometimes, especially after you have a busy, beautiful little 3 year old running around in it! I am going to try and get back to blogging, because I miss it....it's therapeutic for me even if no one ever reads a word, it's good for me and I hope one day it will be a good thing for Gracie. I hope she will be able to read these posts and know how much we loved her before she was ever here and what God did to make our family complete.
Speaking of Gracie.........she's doing GREAT! She is loving "school" now; she even squeals in excitement as we turn into the parking lot most mornings now! Not sure how I feel about this really but am glad she's happy to be there. :) She is STILL happy to see me when I pick her up, too so I'm ok with it all really. :D
Life is beginning to feel more normal again....I think we might actually be finding our "nitch" again. Some days I'm still overwhelmed feeling and just wanna scream and hide away from the world but MOST days now, I feel more at ease and don't get too frantic if supper isn't ready by 6:00 or 6:30 p.m.....I am just trying to go with it. Spring helps with the whole time and mood thing, too.
We had a wondeful Easter with our little girl. She really got into hunting eggs/candy! It did not take her long to get the hang of it, either! I'll try and post some pics a bit later.
So, in general life is pretty good. Still waiting for May 1 to be able to start scheduling specialist visits to check on Gracie's incontinence issues but she's really doing just great. We are making new strides every day in lots of things. Her language is coming along just beautifully!! She is one smart cookie! Counts to 10 easily; knows most of her basic colors and shapes. Sings songs and is playing with other children now and making friends at school. She practically acts like she owns church now - she waltz's right through the crowd of people in the lobby like it's nothing. Just funny to see how she's grown and changed over these past 3 months. Amazing really. We are totally in love with this funny, lively, outgoing girl. So very, very thankful for God in His infinite wisdom and His never ending patience with me. He knew all along the plans He had for us....it was ME who didn't stop long enough to listen....but here we are now. Thank you a million times over for this amazing blessing wrapped up in a tiny, Chinese girl who fits into our family so very well.
Speaking of Gracie.........she's doing GREAT! She is loving "school" now; she even squeals in excitement as we turn into the parking lot most mornings now! Not sure how I feel about this really but am glad she's happy to be there. :) She is STILL happy to see me when I pick her up, too so I'm ok with it all really. :D
Life is beginning to feel more normal again....I think we might actually be finding our "nitch" again. Some days I'm still overwhelmed feeling and just wanna scream and hide away from the world but MOST days now, I feel more at ease and don't get too frantic if supper isn't ready by 6:00 or 6:30 p.m.....I am just trying to go with it. Spring helps with the whole time and mood thing, too.
We had a wondeful Easter with our little girl. She really got into hunting eggs/candy! It did not take her long to get the hang of it, either! I'll try and post some pics a bit later.
So, in general life is pretty good. Still waiting for May 1 to be able to start scheduling specialist visits to check on Gracie's incontinence issues but she's really doing just great. We are making new strides every day in lots of things. Her language is coming along just beautifully!! She is one smart cookie! Counts to 10 easily; knows most of her basic colors and shapes. Sings songs and is playing with other children now and making friends at school. She practically acts like she owns church now - she waltz's right through the crowd of people in the lobby like it's nothing. Just funny to see how she's grown and changed over these past 3 months. Amazing really. We are totally in love with this funny, lively, outgoing girl. So very, very thankful for God in His infinite wisdom and His never ending patience with me. He knew all along the plans He had for us....it was ME who didn't stop long enough to listen....but here we are now. Thank you a million times over for this amazing blessing wrapped up in a tiny, Chinese girl who fits into our family so very well.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
"Pick a Flower, Diaper & Chocolate Milk!"
This is the order of things now almost every day lately when I pick Gracie up from daycare. This is what she wants to do/have after we get home. Since the daffodils bloomed so early with our very early spring like weather she's wanted to pick a flower every day and put it in water; then get her diaper (or "bi-per" in Gracie speak) changed then have some "cock-a-lut" milk. I love that she is getting how things go in order and this just how she wants it to go! She's still a bossy lil thing but oh so loveable.
"School" as we call it is going better except this past week she has cried every day when I dropped her off again after a couple weeks of no morning tears which really gets to me and sets of my "Mommy guilt" big time. I struggle a lot with having to work as much as I do but really have no choice right now so off I go. We are just trying to continue to adjust and find our way to enjoy the time we have together.
I still look at her in disbelief sometimes that she is really here with us; she's beautiful inside and out; she is growing, learning and developing her own personality and it's a BIG one! Our family and friends have all fallen in love with her and she loves them, too.
We have been to the doctor a couple more times since her first visit; once because she had the flu and a UTI at the same time...yay...bless her sweet heart. Then, the next visit was to recheck her urine for the UTI and we got an all clear on it for now. However, her doctor does want her to have some tests to check her bladder function, etc. We've opted to wait until our "real" insurance kicks in on May 1 so we can take her to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital to the Spina Bifida clinic - that way she will hopefully only have to endure the testing once instead of twice. She's doing great, however, with her urinary incontinence and BM issues, we need to have her checked to see if there's anything we can do for her future. I pray so. To me, it's not a big deal but I know that for her one day when she's older and in actual school, this will be hard for her to deal with and kids can be so cruel; so it is my hope that she will be able to gain some or complete control of her bladder with medication and I really believe her bowel movements will become more manageable once she's older and can understand more about what she needs to do. All of this is just so very minor in my mind compared to what she could have to endure being born with SB; God really looked after her and she is such a miracle!
Here's a couple of new pics of our precious baby girl all decked out in her Easter dress....so just in case I don't get in another post before then:
"School" as we call it is going better except this past week she has cried every day when I dropped her off again after a couple weeks of no morning tears which really gets to me and sets of my "Mommy guilt" big time. I struggle a lot with having to work as much as I do but really have no choice right now so off I go. We are just trying to continue to adjust and find our way to enjoy the time we have together.
I still look at her in disbelief sometimes that she is really here with us; she's beautiful inside and out; she is growing, learning and developing her own personality and it's a BIG one! Our family and friends have all fallen in love with her and she loves them, too.
We have been to the doctor a couple more times since her first visit; once because she had the flu and a UTI at the same time...yay...bless her sweet heart. Then, the next visit was to recheck her urine for the UTI and we got an all clear on it for now. However, her doctor does want her to have some tests to check her bladder function, etc. We've opted to wait until our "real" insurance kicks in on May 1 so we can take her to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital to the Spina Bifida clinic - that way she will hopefully only have to endure the testing once instead of twice. She's doing great, however, with her urinary incontinence and BM issues, we need to have her checked to see if there's anything we can do for her future. I pray so. To me, it's not a big deal but I know that for her one day when she's older and in actual school, this will be hard for her to deal with and kids can be so cruel; so it is my hope that she will be able to gain some or complete control of her bladder with medication and I really believe her bowel movements will become more manageable once she's older and can understand more about what she needs to do. All of this is just so very minor in my mind compared to what she could have to endure being born with SB; God really looked after her and she is such a miracle!
Here's a couple of new pics of our precious baby girl all decked out in her Easter dress....so just in case I don't get in another post before then:
We wish you a very happy, blessed Easter from our family to yours!!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Living by Faith....Back to work, starting daycare :(
This was my last full week off work; my last full week to be a full-time mommy to my baby girl I've waited my entire life to have, hold and love. I admit that it's not all been fun and games; there have been times when I've asked myself and God..."What am I doing here??!! I'm too old for this!" I've had days when I was so depressed and sad over not having my mom here with me that it was all I could do to get through the day. There have been nights when Gracie can't sleep well and I'm up with her at my wits end because I don't deal with not getting my sleep well. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo IMPERFECT. I've prayed harder than ever for God's help and reassurance. There is a part of me that is anxious to get back to work, back to my friends and work family; back to a "normal" routine. But then.................I look into those dark, beautiful little innocent eyes and I melt all over again. I love her so much. I don't deserve her at all. And, yet here she is by God's own grace, here she is. And, here I am...I'm her Mama, hand picked by God...wow, that's a lot of pressure, uh? No, not really....because God knows me and He loves me anyway. He knows my weaknesses and my strengths and He STILL picked me for her. Wow. I am rambling again, I know.
So, my time is up even though it does not feel at all like enough to give Gracie the time she really needs to feel secure in her new home and surroundings. We've been home barley a month and already I'm having to shove her out the door so I can go back to work to make the all mighty dollar....have I mentioned ever to you how much I HATE money?? Or, the fact that we HAVE to HAVE it??? I sometimes feel we as a society are almost FORCED TO HAVE THIS FALSE IDOL CALLED MONEY. We have to have money in order to live in this broken world so for most of us that means working outside the home. I've always worked so it's nothing new to me but it still does not make it any easier to leave my baby with people she barely knows, let alone does not trust yet and be frightened out of her mind. My heart is breaking but I am praying constantly for God's help. I am refusing to let this worry become my own "false idol". I am once again and always putting everything in my life in God's hands...living by faith and not by sight as it says in 2 Corinthians 5:7 "For we live by faith, no by sight." I know that God knew that he was bringing her to our lives knowing our circumstances and He knew how everything would go so I MUST believe that He has not dumped her off here and is now saying, 'Ok, here she is....best of luck...see ya later!' I know that He is still with us and is going to give us all the strength we need to make it through each and every day. I look at this whole going back to work and leaving her as a HUGE mountain that I must climb but God is already at the top and is holding both our hands as we go up or perhaps around it somehow.
So, I'm trying to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop all the "feeling robbed" of time junk, too. Our time will just be different now and it will be even more cherished. I know that it's going to be rough for a while and probably we will both leave each other crying in the mornings for a while, too. But it is my hope that it will be a sweet, smiling face I'll see when I pick her up in the afternoons. I trust everyone at the daycare and couldn't be happier that she is going to be there so close to me; I'll just be much HAPPIER when Gracie is happy to be there, too.
Please say a prayer for both of us in the coming weeks that all will go well and Gracie will soon learn to trust her caregivers and even come to love them. I know they will love her...they are all already so good with her. Thank you sweet Jesus for this precious child you have given us and for loving us no matter what....and thank you so much for NOT giving us what we truly deserve. :)
So, my time is up even though it does not feel at all like enough to give Gracie the time she really needs to feel secure in her new home and surroundings. We've been home barley a month and already I'm having to shove her out the door so I can go back to work to make the all mighty dollar....have I mentioned ever to you how much I HATE money?? Or, the fact that we HAVE to HAVE it??? I sometimes feel we as a society are almost FORCED TO HAVE THIS FALSE IDOL CALLED MONEY. We have to have money in order to live in this broken world so for most of us that means working outside the home. I've always worked so it's nothing new to me but it still does not make it any easier to leave my baby with people she barely knows, let alone does not trust yet and be frightened out of her mind. My heart is breaking but I am praying constantly for God's help. I am refusing to let this worry become my own "false idol". I am once again and always putting everything in my life in God's hands...living by faith and not by sight as it says in 2 Corinthians 5:7 "For we live by faith, no by sight." I know that God knew that he was bringing her to our lives knowing our circumstances and He knew how everything would go so I MUST believe that He has not dumped her off here and is now saying, 'Ok, here she is....best of luck...see ya later!' I know that He is still with us and is going to give us all the strength we need to make it through each and every day. I look at this whole going back to work and leaving her as a HUGE mountain that I must climb but God is already at the top and is holding both our hands as we go up or perhaps around it somehow.
So, I'm trying to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop all the "feeling robbed" of time junk, too. Our time will just be different now and it will be even more cherished. I know that it's going to be rough for a while and probably we will both leave each other crying in the mornings for a while, too. But it is my hope that it will be a sweet, smiling face I'll see when I pick her up in the afternoons. I trust everyone at the daycare and couldn't be happier that she is going to be there so close to me; I'll just be much HAPPIER when Gracie is happy to be there, too.
Please say a prayer for both of us in the coming weeks that all will go well and Gracie will soon learn to trust her caregivers and even come to love them. I know they will love her...they are all already so good with her. Thank you sweet Jesus for this precious child you have given us and for loving us no matter what....and thank you so much for NOT giving us what we truly deserve. :)
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sometimes it's just plain hard....
This is a post that no one may want to read, other than others who have been there or who are on their way....I know I enjoyed reading the candid, honest, down to earth posts from other adoptive families prior to our baby coming home just because it gave me more a real perspective on life 'after the miracle'. So, here goes nothing....
I always knew life after Gracie got home would not be all roses and sunshine; I knew before she came home that I am not a young mother and that I wouldn't have the energy of a 20'something'er or even a 30'something'er....I KNEW all of this in my MIND but you know how it is when you want something so bad in your heart that you just think "Eh....yeah, well....it'll be ok....I'll be ok....she'll be ok....we'll all be ok." And, we WILL but right now our adjustments are just plain hard. She adjusting to us and a whole new life and US adjusting to HER and a WHOLE NEW LIFE.
She is precious and is all and more than I imagined or could have ever hoped for. I love holding her....just not constantly while trying to do a little bit of laundry or cook supper. I love playing with her....again....just not while I'm trying to pay the bills or balance the checkbook (ha! that sure doesn't take long these days!); I love that she LOVES me and WANTS me and that she is soooooooooooooo attached to me but.....there's that dreaded, awful word that makes me feel incredibly guilty. BUT.
There are things that Mike and I wonder about with her like is she whining because she just wants her way or did that really hurt her feelings when we told her she needed to be easy with the dog's ears? Or, when I gave her a piece of cheese that she did NOT like yet she didn't want me to take it from her and she ended up just chunking it up all over the table in front of her...does she get upset because she still fears she won't get enough to eat again or is it just because she's 3?? This is what we find ourselves facing a lot of lately...questioning whether behaviors are from her life in an orphanage for nearly 3 years or just because she's a 3 year old testing her boundaries?? How do we know? How far do we let her go before we have to correct her? Of course when her safety is involved we cannot allow her to just continue whatever it is she wants to do but other things that arise are confusing.
Plus, for me anyway, I find myself missing my mom so much right now that I'm a closet emotional wreck lately. Tonight after Mike got home he played with Gracie while I soaked in a hot tub for a long time, caught up on my Jesus Calling devotional, read some Bible verses, prayed, and had a long, good cry then prayed some more. I needed that....I just feel lost lately. Disconnected. Like I'm trying to find my way again while trying desperately to hold onto and be everything I need to be for my precious daughter. I've felt this way since China and I don't like it. Lack of sleep is a big part of it I think....recovering from jet lag is NOT FUN.
Then, today I visited my work family and came away from there with even more feelings of guilt....that they are suffering due to my absence, everyone is working harder and longer because I'm not there. Especially the poor doctor....I miss them; I miss working...believe that or not! (I'm sure that won't last...ha!) They are my friends....more like family really and I just feel bad but I must do what I have to do for Gracie, too. Because in the long run that's what's going to matter....how her life is affected not how the animal hospital runs.
Also, today I took Gracie by the daycare where I want her to attend....wow or wow do I dread leaving her, especially that first time. I don't want to see those sad tears roll down her cheeks or the fear in her eyes that she may think I won't come back for her.
It's just all very hard.............not all roses and sunshine..............but I know in the end it WILL all be worth it; SHE is worth it. Please throw us a few more prayers that we are able to all adjust and find our new normal soon. I know that "this, too, shall pass" and all this worry and strife will be a distant memory one day that we'll look back on and laugh or even miss.
Thanks for hanging in there with us....our journey continues.
I always knew life after Gracie got home would not be all roses and sunshine; I knew before she came home that I am not a young mother and that I wouldn't have the energy of a 20'something'er or even a 30'something'er....I KNEW all of this in my MIND but you know how it is when you want something so bad in your heart that you just think "Eh....yeah, well....it'll be ok....I'll be ok....she'll be ok....we'll all be ok." And, we WILL but right now our adjustments are just plain hard. She adjusting to us and a whole new life and US adjusting to HER and a WHOLE NEW LIFE.
She is precious and is all and more than I imagined or could have ever hoped for. I love holding her....just not constantly while trying to do a little bit of laundry or cook supper. I love playing with her....again....just not while I'm trying to pay the bills or balance the checkbook (ha! that sure doesn't take long these days!); I love that she LOVES me and WANTS me and that she is soooooooooooooo attached to me but.....there's that dreaded, awful word that makes me feel incredibly guilty. BUT.
There are things that Mike and I wonder about with her like is she whining because she just wants her way or did that really hurt her feelings when we told her she needed to be easy with the dog's ears? Or, when I gave her a piece of cheese that she did NOT like yet she didn't want me to take it from her and she ended up just chunking it up all over the table in front of her...does she get upset because she still fears she won't get enough to eat again or is it just because she's 3?? This is what we find ourselves facing a lot of lately...questioning whether behaviors are from her life in an orphanage for nearly 3 years or just because she's a 3 year old testing her boundaries?? How do we know? How far do we let her go before we have to correct her? Of course when her safety is involved we cannot allow her to just continue whatever it is she wants to do but other things that arise are confusing.
Plus, for me anyway, I find myself missing my mom so much right now that I'm a closet emotional wreck lately. Tonight after Mike got home he played with Gracie while I soaked in a hot tub for a long time, caught up on my Jesus Calling devotional, read some Bible verses, prayed, and had a long, good cry then prayed some more. I needed that....I just feel lost lately. Disconnected. Like I'm trying to find my way again while trying desperately to hold onto and be everything I need to be for my precious daughter. I've felt this way since China and I don't like it. Lack of sleep is a big part of it I think....recovering from jet lag is NOT FUN.
Then, today I visited my work family and came away from there with even more feelings of guilt....that they are suffering due to my absence, everyone is working harder and longer because I'm not there. Especially the poor doctor....I miss them; I miss working...believe that or not! (I'm sure that won't last...ha!) They are my friends....more like family really and I just feel bad but I must do what I have to do for Gracie, too. Because in the long run that's what's going to matter....how her life is affected not how the animal hospital runs.
Also, today I took Gracie by the daycare where I want her to attend....wow or wow do I dread leaving her, especially that first time. I don't want to see those sad tears roll down her cheeks or the fear in her eyes that she may think I won't come back for her.
It's just all very hard.............not all roses and sunshine..............but I know in the end it WILL all be worth it; SHE is worth it. Please throw us a few more prayers that we are able to all adjust and find our new normal soon. I know that "this, too, shall pass" and all this worry and strife will be a distant memory one day that we'll look back on and laugh or even miss.
Thanks for hanging in there with us....our journey continues.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Strictly Pictures of our sweet baby girl :)
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| Playing with her stacking cups on her 2nd day with us |
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| Day 2 - I see the fear in her eyes as I look at these now. :( |
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| Day 2 - Trying for a smile |
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| Day 3 or 4 - I HAD to play with her hair!! Still in jammies with a bow in her hair! :) |
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| Just too cute! |
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| Little Charmer is coming out! |
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| Day 4 or 5 with our AMAZING guide, Emma - LOVE HER!! |
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| In Guanzghou!! Yippee!! Happy just before the dreaded "medical exam" :( |
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| AH-DOR-ABLE!!! Looks like a miniature model with that smile!! LOVE! |
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| Cheesin' it up with her BaBa |
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| Just cute in her stroller - sorry for the sidways view |
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| Checking out the lights |
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| BaBa's built in seat :) hahaha!! |
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| This girl loves to laugh! |
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| Lil Miss Independant wanted to walk most of the time at the Safari Park |
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| HOME! First Breakfast at home! |
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